I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't deserve a penis
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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