I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
