I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
