theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
