Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
