Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
