Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
