I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
