My Higher Power is John Stamos
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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