in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They have beer where we have blood.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize