these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
