You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
