this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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