That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
