dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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