I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
