He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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