I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
