So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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