im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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