im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
