I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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