it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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