It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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