Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
