i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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