I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
