The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
