Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
