Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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