Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
