Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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