I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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