U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
