He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
