My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
