At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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