Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
