Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
