oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
