I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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