My room smells like vodka and shame
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
