Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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