hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
