Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
