a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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