I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
