I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
