don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
