i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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