He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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