I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
